


Keep My Eyes Closed

by TheAshla (cannedpeaches)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: A New Dawn - John Jackson Miller, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Anonymous Sex, BDSM, Blood Kink, Breathplay, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Dubious Consent, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Multi, Oral Sex, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Porn with Feelings, Rimming, Semi-Public Sex, Smut, Vaginal Sex, see notes for individual chapter warnings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-26
Updated: 2018-02-17
Packaged: 2019-03-09 15:53:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13484820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cannedpeaches/pseuds/TheAshla
Summary: When he became Kanan Jarrus, he did everything he could to lose himself.Or, three lovers Kanan had before he met Hera.





	1. Anoon

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Fade to Black and Back](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6714817) by [ShannonPhillips](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShannonPhillips/pseuds/ShannonPhillips). 



> Because I had a hankering for mixing a few of my favorite things: smut, angst, and Kanan.
> 
> This work is inspired by [this chapter](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6714817/chapters/15743425) of ShannonPhillips's "Fade to Black and Back," in which she delves into Kanan's kinktastic past pre-Gorse.
> 
> The first chapter contains dubcon, breathplay, BDSM, and mild blood kink. The next two chapters probably won't have anything approaching quite that level of kink, but they'll still make you feel very, very sad for Kanan.

He wanted this, Kanan reminded himself. He wanted the sharp pain in his shoulderblades as Anoon slammed him into the wall with one bulky arm and pressed in, sharp Twi’lek teeth crashing against his own. Faintly, he heard Anoon kick the door to the room closed. _No going back now._ The thought sent a hot shiver down Kanan’s spine.

 

He reached up and grabbed Anoon’s gaunt face, pulling the Twi’lek closer again, but Anoon batted his hands away. “You earn what you get,” he said, his voice an accented hiss. He licked his teeth, and Kanan shuddered. _This_ is what had caught his attention in the cantina downstairs. This is what he wanted.

 

“Do I have to say ‘please’?” Kanan asked. His voice wavered far more than he would have liked, and Anoon grinned. He pressed himself up against Kanan’s thigh, and Kanan could feel his cock twitch through the fabric of their pants. Anoon was getting off on Kanan’s trepidation, and that made Kanan half-hard in a flash.

 

“You’ll speak when I tell you to,” Anoon said, leaning in to run his tongue along the shell of Kanan’s ear. The arm that had been barring Kanan to the wall fell away, and a moment later, Kanan felt Anoon’s hot fingertips under the hem of his shirt, nails scratching along his abdomen.

 

“People will tell you I don’t like to stay quiet,” Kanan said. He gave up on keeping his voice from trembling.

 

“I have ways to make you quiet,” Anoon said, and without further ado, he wrapped his other hand around Kanan’s throat, the pressure not enough to choke him--yet--but to warn. Kanan only grinned, which made Anoon close in again to worry his teeth along Kanan’s neck.

 

Kanan gasped as Anoon bit down experimentally, the points of his teeth not quite breaking skin. He felt the Twi’lek grin against him as Anoon continued to mark his skin. When he got to the juncture of Kanan’s neck and shoulder, he paused before slowly sinking his teeth into the sensitive flesh. Kanan groaned, bucking into Anoon’s hips as the Twi’lek lapped at the wound he had just made.

 

Kanan wanted this. Wanted the burning in his neck where he knew the bite would scar. He closed his eyes, panting, letting the pain spread like light, like an infection over his skin. When he opened his eyes again, Anoon was watching him. _Like that?_ the Twi’lek’s expression seemed to say.

 

So Kanan said, “That all you got?”

 

Before Kanan realized what was happening, Anoon had gotten Kanan’s tunic over his head, and with a sharp rip of seams, it was off, tossed into some dark corner of the room. That done, the Twi’lek hooked his fingers into the front of Kanan’s pants, hauled Kanan over to the bed, and pushed the human back onto the hard mattress. The force of his landing made Kanan breathless.

 

“Eager, huh?” Kanan asked.

 

“Shut up,” Anoon said before he pulled his own shirt off.

 

He covered Kanan’s body with his own, his skin feverish against Kanan’s chest. Kanan felt like he was drowning in fire. Sensation racked him as Anoon’s hands and mouth skimmed over his torso, so quickly that the Twi’lek seemed to be everywhere at once: a tongue flicking against his nipple, teeth grazing his abs, fingernails tracing lines down his sides. Kanan bucked, longing for any friction on his achingly hard cock, but Anoon held his hips down. Kanan growled in frustration, light-headed from lack of any release--so he only noticed that Anoon had undone his belt and pants as the Twi’lek dragged the fabric down Kanan’s legs. Kanan kicked it all off gratefully, and pushed himself up on his elbows. Anoon was kneeling between between his legs, grinning, Kanan’s leaking cock between them. Kanan groaned at the sight and fell back onto the bed.

 

And then Anoon’s mouth was on him. Kanan hissed as the Twi’lek’s tongue fleetingly ran over his the underside of his cock, the seam of his balls, but then Anoon was grasping his hips, pushing them up, folding Kanan in half so he could--

 

“Fuck!” Kanan clenched as he felt Anoon’s tongue on the tight ring of muscle. It had been a while since anyone had touched him there, and never with such rough enthusiasm. The Twi’lek didn’t slow his pace, circling Kanan’s asshole until Kanan relaxed. As soon as he did, Kanan felt a finger sinking into him, and he gripped the thin bedsheet tight in both fists, moaning. Anoon pumped his finger into Kanan with surprising gentleness, but before Kanan could stop to think about it, Anoon pressed another finger into the human, scissoring the two roughly. Kanan swore at the stretch and the burn, his back arching up off the bed. Yes, he wanted this.

 

Finally, Anoon stood, licking the fingers that had been inside Kanan and, with his other hand, undoing his belt. Kanan watched him hazily, panting, and didn’t protest when he turned Kanan over onto his stomach. As Kanan lay there, the Twi’lek grabbed his arms and bound his wrists together, pulling the belt so tight that the leather bit into his skin. Kanan flexed on instinct, but the belt held; he wasn’t getting out of this one, not unless he used the For--

 

Kanan groaned into the bed as Anoon set the tip of his cock at Kanan’s entrance and began to push forward. Impossibly, impossibly, the ridged cock burned even more than the Twi’lek’s fingers had, and Kanan gasped, trying to breathe through the pain. Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes. He wanted this. He _needed_ this.

 

As Anoon bottomed out, Kanan felt only relief. But that was only for a moment.

 

Anoon grasped Kanan’s hips, folding his legs under him to get a better angle. Then, he leaned across Kanan’s back, his breath hot on Kanan’s ear: “Are you ready, human?”

 

Kanan wheezed: “Born ready.”

 

With a fierce energy, Anoon straightened and grabbed Kanan’s ponytail, baring the human’s neck as he set a brutal pace. Kanan could hardly breathe, and his own pathetic, guttural moans as Anoon’s hips snapped against him sounded foreign even to himself. The filthy slap of skin against skin, of Anoon’s balls against his ass, made Kanan’s cock jump. When Anoon changed his angle, though, his fat, ridged cock pressing inside in just the right place, Kanan cried out and struggled fruitlessly against the belt around his wrists. He needed to cum, but he couldn’t, not without a hand on his cock.

 

And then Anoon was at his ear again: “You like that? Like being used?” Kanan couldn’t have answered if he tried. “You’ll come from my cock in your ass,” Anoon hissed, “and nothing else.” With that, the Twi’lek fed one of his lekku into Kanan’s open, panting mouth, not stopping until the end of it had hit the back of Kanan’s throat. Kanan gagged, his muscles constricting around the lek, which made Anoon’s breath hitch.

 

Kanan only saw stars as Anoon’s thrusts become erratic, the lek slipping inside Kanan’s mouth, his throat, choking him, making it impossible to draw air. Anoon was muttering filthy, nonsense things in Kanan’s ear, Ryl and Basic mixed together. Finally, Anoon breathed, “Cum for me, _vassij’ra_.”

 

As the Ryl rolled off Anoon’s tongue, Kanan’s vision went black--

 

\--before it exploded into light, his body tensing and releasing with such force that he thought he would be torn apart, that it would never end. Every muscle in him screamed, shot through with lightning so powerful that it consumed him.

 

He shook violently as he came down. Tremors hiccupped through his limbs, through his consciousness, and through them he began to sense all the empty places his his reality.

 

The rapidly-cooling cum on his back.

 

The hot welts he could feel rising on his wrists where the belt used to be.

 

The strands of his dirty hair plastered to the back of his neck.

 

The raw ache of his throat and his ass, disconcertingly the same.

 

The soft sounds of Anoon dressing in the dark, then leaving, closing the door quietly behind him.

 

And Kanan, lying face-down on the bed, wrung out, felt nothing.

 

He’d wanted this.


	2. Ria

The Jedi had deeply valued peace, but Kanan was almost completely certain that if his old Master could see him now, she would have been the first to smack him upside the head.

 

Ria rode him, her hips rolling against his as she teased the peaks of her nipples, her head thrown back. Kanan loved nothing more than to admire the view, the most pleasurable thing he’d seen in the month he’d spent on Milagro.

 

Seen _and_ touched. He smoothed his broad hands over her thighs, following the curve of her ass up to her waist. Which was about the point where Ria moaned aloud.

 

In a panic, he grabbed her hands, pulling her down on top of him until he could fist his hand in her hair and muffle her with a sloppy, wet kiss. When he pulled back, her hot breath mingled with his, her forehead pressed against his own.

 

“Shh,” Kanan reminded her.

 

“I know,” she whined against his lips, her whole body trembling. “It’s just _so good_ …”

 

Kanan kissed her again and then grinned. “Better buckle up, then.” She buried her face in the crook of his neck and shoulder as he grabbed her hips, snapping up and into her body at a relentless pace. Ria shook with the effort of keeping quiet, one hand flying out to grab a handful of the bedsheets. Her teeth closed around his shoulder, and when she bit down, hard enough to draw blood, the spark of pain was enough to send Kanan over the edge.

 

After a moment, she rolled off of him and onto her back, breathing as hard as he was. She pushed her hair off her sweaty face.

 

“Well then,” she panted. Kanan watched her tits rise and fall rapidly with her breath, then looked at her and grinned.

 

“Think it’s loud enough downstairs to have kept your dad from hearing?” he asked.

 

She laughed. “Damn well better be.” She paused, her dark eyes going unfocused as she listened to the drunken voices loud enough to carry through the floor. There was a crash of breaking glass, a small silence, and then guffawing that was louder than ever. “That’s a definite yes,” she said.

 

Kanan sat up and stretched. It was his day off from tending bar in her father’s cantina, and he wasn’t shy about using his free time to have some fun. Especially when it was so close at hand.

 

He winced at that thought. It wasn’t fair to Ria. She was from a backwater colony, uneducated and simple in her needs and goals, but there was a sweetness to her that Kanan found appealing. And it wasn’t like he was doing anything spectacular with his life, either. But he didn’t love her, and he knew from her earnest, open face that she had fallen for him. Hard.

 

He grabbed his pants off the floor and started putting them on. “I should go get clea--”

 

“Wait.” Ria propped herself up on one elbow, her bottom lip caught between her teeth.

 

A ball of cold formed in Kanan’s stomach and grew with every passing second. Goosebumps rose on his skin; he could already tell he was not going to like this.

 

Ria took an audible breath. “So, I was thinking.”

 

Kanan still hadn’t moved from where he was standing. He stared at her. “Dangerous stuff, thinking,” he said, trying to keep his tone light, but his head was slowly filling up with static.

 

Ria pressed on like he hadn’t spoken. “About our future.”

 

 _There it is._ “Ah.”

 

Her next words flew out in a gusher of emotion, and it was all Kanan could do to keep up. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone else before--”

 

“Ria,” Kanan said, strangled.

 

“--and I know my father wants--”

 

“ _Ria._ ”

 

“--me taken care of and, well, you _do_ take care of--”

 

“Ria!”

 

She stopped dead, her eyes wide. Even from where he stood, he could see her hands shake. He wanted to be sick. Like it would purge all the familiar guilt and self-loathing and anger from him.

 

He forced his lips into a stiff smile. “This is heady stuff,” he said, his voice quieter. “It’s late. We should talk about it in the morning. When we’re more awake. You know?”

 

Ria’s mouth was a whisp. “You’re right.” She, too, stood to collect her clothes. As she moved to the door of Kanan’s room, she paused to press a kiss to his lips. Her skin was warm, but Kanan couldn’t find it in himself to even move. “Good night.”

 

“Night,” he said.

 

It was too easy to sneak out. He didn’t have much: a few changes of clothes, two ration bars. The holocron. His lightsaber.

 

When everything was quiet downstairs, he slipped downstairs and out the back entrance of the cantina, into the alleyway strewn with trash. The spaceport wasn’t far from here. He’d be gone before dawn.

 

But the mixture of emotion and tears in Ria’s eyes would stay with him for the rest of his life. He fought his mind, trying to push the image away, but when his eyes were closed, and even when they were open, there she was, naked and trembling in his bed.

 

He made sure to stay drunk for the next month.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trying to finish this before _Rebels_ comes back!


	3. Gorse, 12 BBY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess this could be seen by some as dubcon, so be careful!

Kanan was bone-tired by the time the transport landed on Gorse, a mining planet in the Inner Rim. It was the closest to Coruscant that Kanan had been in years, but after losing a pazaak game to a Devaronian who turned out to be the son-in-law of a former leader of the Pyke Syndicate and then being indentured as a bounty hunter for three months--well, Kanan needed a change of pace.

 

As the transport landed, Kanan stood and slung his single, small bag of personal items over his shoulder.

 

“Know anywhere to eat around here?” he asked his seatmate.

 

The Aqualish blinked at him. “Okadiah’s is the only place for miles,” she said.

 

“That’ll do,” Kanan said, sighing. “Where is it?”

 

As they filed off the ship, she gave him directions to The Asteroid Belt.

 

“Thanks,” Kanan said, nodding at her as he turned north.

 

The cantina was a riot of noise, even though Kanan was still half a block from it. He grimaced and considered just trying to find a room to pass out in, but at that moment, his stomach gurgled, reminding him that he was starving.

 

When he finally entered, he headed straight for the single open seat at the bar, tossing his bag under his stool. As he sat down heavily, the barkeep, an older man with white hair and a kind, wrinkled face, gave him a toothy grin.

 

“Welcome, traveler!” he said, walking over to Kanan. “What can I serve you to alleviate your obvious discomfort?”

 

Kanan huffed a grudging laugh. “Trust me, I’m a lot more fun on the other side of a good night’s sleep. And after a hot meal. I’ll have anything that’s fit to eat.”

 

“Certainly,” the man said, bowing his head.

 

It turned out that the barkeeper--who was Okadiah Garson himself--had a rather suspect idea of what was fit to eat. On another day, Kanan might have complained, but right now he was ravenous, and he’d eaten much, much worse.

 

As he ate, he asked Okadiah what work there was to be had on Gorse.

 

“Well, we are a mining planet,” Okadiah said, his expression thoughtful.

 

“Not entirely sure how good of a miner I’d be,” Kanan said, wiping his mouth.

 

“In that case,” said the older man, “how good of a pilot are you? And how is your sense of self-preservation.”

 

Kanan laughed. “Fair,” he said. “And highly suspect. In that order.”

 

Okadiah grinned. “In that case, you’d make a wonderful Baby carrier.”

 

By the time Okadiah had finished explaining the dangers of baradium bisulfate, Kanan knew he would take the job. Sure, hauling extremely volatile explosives to Gorse’s moon, Cynda, and back would require intense concentration, but it would still be easier on him than the daily ass-kickings he’d taken as a bounty hunter. Okadiah even offered him a room above The Asteroid Belt in return for help tending bar.

 

Kanan shook Okadiah’s hand, his mood much better than it had been when he’d landed on Gorse.

 

“I have to get a couple of things in town, but I’ll be back,” Kanan promised. He picked up his bag again and headed for the door.

 

But leaning on the door next to the exit was a nonhuman of a species Kanan had never seen before. He wasn’t even sure of their gender: They had a long, elegant face with sharp features and iridescent skin that shifted from blue to orange to green. They were wearing a hood, so Kanan wasn’t sure if they had hair or lekku, but what he could see were eyes the color of molten gold just above the curve of a smile that immediately caught Kanan’s eye. Luckily, they were giving him a long, up-and-down look, too.

 

Kanan swallowed. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d fallen into bed with someone in a new port, but it _would_ be his personal record for time (or lack thereof) between arrival and getting down to business, as it were. But he was exhausted.

 

He glanced over his shoulder. Okadiah was still standing at the bar and watching him, a benign presence. Kanan turned back and shook his head. Rounding his shoulders into himself, he pushed past other patrons toward the door, avoiding eye contact with the interest nonhuman. He’d have some self-control for once, for fuck’s sake.

 

He was resolved until his hand was on the door, ready to push it open.

 

“You’re new around here.” The voice was musical, so resonant that it shuddered through Kanan’s body and straight to his cock in spite of how tired he was.

 

He looked over at the nonhuman. Their eyes were molten even in the dim light. He flashed them a crooked smile. “Just rolled into town.”

 

They stepped toward him, their lithe body moving like oil over water. “There’s not much on Gorse,” they said.

 

“Not much except you,” Kanan said, the practiced line slipping out before his tired brain had quite registered that he’d spoken.

 

They tilted there head at him, their mouth hitching higher at one corner, a universal question that Kanan was intimately familiar with. He grinned.

 

Through his sleepy haze, he felt a thin hand on his chest steer him out the door and into the dark alleyway between The Asteroid Belt and the tenement building next door. Kanan’s bag fell from his shoulder, only a fraction of a second faster than the nonhuman was on their knees and pawing at Kanan’s belt. He was only half-hard, but it took just a few solid firm strokes to have him at full-mast. When they swiped their tongue over the head of his cock, Kanan gasped, the wet heat cutting through his brain fog. He looked down at the nonhuman, who grinned up at him--silver teeth, he noted faintly--before they swiped their tongue over their lips and took every inch of him down their throat.

 

Kanan couldn’t help the drawn-out moan that escaped him as they began to bob over the length of his erection. His head fell back against the duracrete wall, and he turned his head to keep at eye on the entrance to the alleyway. Every so often, someone would walk by and send a thrill of fear and arousal straight to his groin, but no one glanced in his direction.

 

He put a hand to the back of the nonhuman’s head, not pushing, just resting it on the back of their hood. Their hum of approval made his hips buck, and the momentary vice-grip on his cock when they gagged almost had him coming right there.

 

They pulled back to lick at his slit, then run their tongue around the head just underneath the foreskin. Stars bloomed behind Kanan’s closed eyelids, and distantly, he heard his own ragged breath in time with the nonhuman’s ministrations. It always took him longer when he was tired, but they were good. Very good.

 

They shifted, their fingers digging into the flesh of Kanan’s ass as they drew him closer. He rocked his hips gently, and when they didn’t protest, he put both hands to the back of their head and fucked their face in earnest. His cock slipped easily over their tongue, the head hitting the back of their throat and making them gag even as they pulled him in closer, moaning. He shoved their head into his crotch as his cock gave one final twitch and he came down their throat, their muscles tight around him as they breathed hard through their nose.

 

Kanan let go immediately after and looked down at the nonhuman as they sat back on their heels and wiped the back of their elegant hand over their mouth.

 

“Welcome to Gorse,” they said, their voice wrecked, as they stood, straightened their clothes, and walked out of the alley.

 

Kanan slid down the wall to the ground even before he’d finished closing his pants. His fingers were clumsy on the zipper and belt. His boneless body had no energy left. Still breathing hard, he flopped over to reach for the strap of his bag.

 

It wasn’t until Okadiah shook him awake the next morning that he realized he’d passed out in that alleyway, sticky and smelling of sex and trash. His throat constricted as he sat up, rubbing his hands over his face, trying to clear the image of Okadiah’s face from his mind. The older man was free from judgement, but something else had struck Kanan--the fact that Okadiah hadn’t seemed at all surprised to find him there.

 

 _And why would he have been?_ Kanan asked himself bitterly as he followed Okadiah back into the cantina. Years ago, he had become Kanan Jarrus, and that was the man he was now. He could wash away the stench of last night, but there was no changing who he had become to survive.

 

Neither man spoke as they walked into The Asteroid Belt, and in the silence, Kanan’s dark thoughts wrapped around him like a shroud.


	4. Coda: Hera

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Couldn't leave myself or Kanan feeling that sad, so here's some fluff and feels.

In the quiet darkness of the cabin, Kanan curled himself more closely around Hera’s back, pressing his face into the space between her lekku. His hand rested against her ribs, and his thumb rubbed small circles into the side of her breast.

 

Years ago, when he had fallen into Hera’s bed, he’d wanted to map every inch of her flesh, to use all his tricks to draw as much pleasure out of her as he possibly could. But after, he’d found that it was moments like this that made his throat stick with emotion: the moments that spoke of her implicit trust, of the fact that after everything, she’d chosen _him_. And unlike so many other nights before her, he didn’t feel compelled to leave. In fact, he never wanted to.

 

Hera shifted slowly against him. “I can hear you thinking,” she murmured, her words slurred from sleep.

 

Kanan smiled and pressed a kiss to the back of her neck. “Sorry.” She reached for his hand, lacing their fingers together. “I love you,” he said.

 

“And I love you. Now get some rest, dear.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're almost to Monday! See you on the other side, _Rebels_ fans.
> 
> I also co-host a [podcast](http://www.bookwarspod.com/) about the canon _Star Wars_ books, if you're into that. :)


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